Archive | November, 2006
Quotiki
Users tag their quotes then vote on ‘em. Fun to search.
“There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.“
{I’m starting to think that the only thing you need to start up a startup is a dumb name}.
High School Analogies
Stupidity…or comic genius?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Anagrams and Palindromes
my favorites are in bold.
a decimal point = I’m a dot in place
a stitch in time saves nine = this is meant as incentive
animosity = is no amity
astronomer = moon starer
circumstantial evidence = can ruin a selected victim
desperation = a rope ends it
dormitory = dirty room
funeral = real fun
intoxicate = excitation
mother-in-law = woman Hitler
parishioners = I hire parsons
schoolmaster = the classroom
semolina = is no meal
slot machines = cash lost in ‘em
snooze alarms = Alas! No more z’s.
the Morse code = here come dots
the earthquakes = that queer shake
Alec Guinness = genuine class
George Bush = he bugs Gore
Year Two Thousand = a year to shut down
Margaret Thatcher = that great charmer
President Clinton of the USA = to copulate he finds interns
Princess Diana = end is a car spin
Ronald Wilson Reagan = Insane Anglo Warlord
Statue of Liberty = built to stay free
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring = “Time’s running past”, we murmur
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause: Freedom!
Tony Blair, P.M. = I’m Tory plan B
Victoria, England’s Queen = governs a nice quiet land
War on terrorism = Swarm into error
Western Union = no wire unsent
William Shakespeare = I am a weakish speller.
and quite a weird one I read a few months ago:
Britney Spears = Presbyterian
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