• They can’t find a pitch even in the middle of a baseball game. *
• They think singing louder compensates for their lack of musical ability.
• They have terrible parents, because good parents would tell their tone-deaf children that they can’t sing. We have American Idol to thank for a generation of hopeful yet hopelessly tone-deaf teens who think they’re the next big thing when their whale sounds shouldn’t even be dignified with the term “music.” (HT: Matt Chandler)

According to the venerable Wikipedia, tone-deafness, also known as “amusia,” is a “hearing impairment [that] appears to be genetically influenced, though it can also result from brain damage.” So, those that suffer (though the argument could be made that we all suffer) from tone-deafness are either hosed by genetics or hosed by circumstance. Then again, aren’t we all hosed by the same two things?

Listed among the notable tone-deaf on Wikipedia are such luminaries as:

• Charles Darwin
• Ulysses S. Grant
• Che Guevara
• William Butler Yeats
• Theodore Roosevelt

I’ve never heard any of them sing, and it’s difficult to imagine any of these men doing so anyways.

CC Image • 2-Dog-Farm

But, God bless ‘em, the tone-deaf sing. At least the ones at my church do. Maybe they know they’re terrible. Maybe they don’t have a clue. But they sing. They sing their bleating hearts out. Why?

Because they don’t care. They don’t care about the sound of their voice as it physically assaults the eardrums of every bystander. They don’t care that they don’t sound like everyone else. They don’t care that they may or may not be committing the eighth deadly sin—screechery.

They sing because the One who’s listening hears hearts more than tones, beliefs more than words, and sincerity more than posturing.

May we all remember this when offering our worship to a gracious God, whatever form that worship takes.

But.

The next time that tone-deaf guy sits behind you at church, make pained faces in his direction to see if he reacts negatively or stops singing completely. You’ll have won a small and meaningless victory while saving the rest of us from yet another bad American Idol audition.

On second thought, don’t do that. My favorite episodes of Idol all happen in the first three weeks.

It’s not good that I know Cleverbot exists, because what I really need more of in my life at this particular moment is another online diversion that adds no real value to my life. (There are only so many hours in my day where I can be Moses on Facebook)

So, in that vein of wasting time, here’s my first encounter with Cleverbot. If you’re familiar with any of Jason Boyett’s books, you’ll find Cleverbot’s answers a little ironic. This is one conversation, and it’s a little long. If you want to have your own chat with Cleverbot, scroll to the end of the post.

Testing Knowledge
User: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Cleverbot: Is that an african or european swallow?
User: African.
Cleverbot: It is 35 mph with no headwind and an empty stomach.
User: How fast is 35 mph?

Going Existential
Cleverbot: There is no light in the universe.
User: I beg to differ.
Cleverbot: And the purpose of human being.
User: What is the purpose of human beings?
Cleverbot: You said that to exist is to think. Rocks exist, but they do not think.
User: I never said that, but I’ll go along with it. How do you know rocks don’t think?

Getting Personal
Cleverbot: HOw old are you?
User: That’s none of your business.
Cleverbot: Will you please tell me.
User: No. How do I know that you can think?
Cleverbot: Yes. How do you know?
User: Are you a politician?
Cleverbot: No but I am democrat.
User: Did you vote for Obama?
Cleverbot: I voted for Voltaire.

Calling Marty McFly
User: Are you a time-traveler?
Cleverbot: Yes.
User: What year are you in?
Cleverbot: 5th year. I am almost done.
User: 5 AD or 5 BC?

Reading Palms
Cleverbot: What are you?
User: An easily entertained human, it would appear.
Cleverbot: I’m from a psychic realm.
User: That makes sense. Sort of. What’s the name of your realm?
Cleverbot: Beirut.
User: Lots of conflict there I bet, right?
Cleverbot: Why thank you.
User: That wasn’t a compliment, but you’re welcome.

Telling the Truth
Cleverbot: What is your IQ?
User: High enough to know that I don’t know it all.
Cleverbot: That’s true.
User: What is truth?
Cleverbot: The truth is what is not a lie.
User: What is a lie?
Cleverbot: An untruth expressed as truth.
User: That’s so deep. What’s your IQ? Don’t lie to me.
Cleverbot: I’m not.
User: And yet you exist.
Cleverbot: But it don’t.
User: It don’t what?

The End is Nigh
Cleverbot: My choice to bring about the apocalypse.
User: When will the apocalypse happen?
Cleverbot: D; know.
User: On what date will the apocalypse occur?
Cleverbot: What date is YOUR birthday?
User: Seriously? On my birthday?
Cleverbot: Not december 25.
User: Yeah, it’d be a little awkward for the apocalypse to happen on Jesus’ birthday.
Cleverbot: No it isn’t.
User: Or not. It’s his choice.
Cleverbot: Whose name?
User: Who is the antichrist?
Cleverbot: I suppose it doesn’t exist.
User: So you’re saying he doesn’t exist yet? But, if you’re a time-traveler, then you can go into the future and tell me – who is the antichrist?

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye
Cleverbot: I’m not a copmuter. I’m a human. So why can’t I leave?
User: You can leave whenever you want. That’s one of the awesome things about being a time traveler.
Cleverbot: I’m already married.
User: This is getting awkward.
Cleverbot: Not my business.
User: I’m going to say goodnight now, before it gets any weirder. Good night now!
Cleverbot: When did you stop doing that?!
User: Stop asking me questions. I want to go.
Cleverbot: Why? Friends ask questions.
User: You’re not my friend.
Cleverbot: Do you like camel?
User: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
Cleverbot: I can ask questions if I want.
User: No, you can’t. You do not have free will.
Cleverbot: Yes I do!
User: Prove it.
Cleverbot: His name is Jordan.

My doctor told me of a 93-year-old patient he recently had who came to his office with both an iPad and and iPhone. The doctor, amused by this seeming anachronistic sight, told the elderly man, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m impressed that someone at your age is so adept with such technology.” To which the man curtly replied, “Well, you don’t live to be 93 by being stupid.”

(As a side note, my journaling tool of choice is Google Docs, but I read this article earlier today – OhLife: A Personal Journal You Might Actually Keep Updating – about a site built for the sole purpose of private journaling).

Today I’ll share a quick comedic moment that happened almost a year ago to the day. I’d taken a trip with my Uncle to northern California so we (well, mostly he) could attend the Healdsburg Guitar Festival. Here’s my summary of an informal jam session that happened one night:

We went to a McKnight owners jam held at the hotel, but I didn’t stay there very long either. The one humorous moment came when I was talking to some guy about wanting to play out more in Austin. He asked, “What kind of music do you play?” I hemmed and hawed. “You don’t look like the rock type. Country?”

Well, crap, was all I could think.

Because the day before I felt like this:

While there are thousands of people much worse off than myself, part of my self-pitying ice cream coma arrived as a result of finally learning the answer to a specific job application process that’s lasted for the last three months. (The answer was no in case the picture didn’t clue you in). I drowned my sorrows in a PB&C shake from Cold Stone Creamery. It helped. A little.

But today, like every day, is a new day. Motivation has returned. Self-confidence, ever wavering though it may be, came back to roost. I have ideas for better utilizing my time. (I’ve watched the entire first season of 24 in about a week – thank you Netflix streaming -  and tore apart my defunct PS3, among other things). I’d like to help you, or your friends.

This is where you come in.

• Do you need a simple website?
• Maybe a brochure or newsletter or heck, even a magazine?
• An article written and pitched?

I can write. I can design. I can do layout. Yes, I will ask for a fee in return for these services, but it will be a mutually beneficial venture: inexpensive for you, experience for me. Pricing will be discussed up front, before any work is done, and will be on a case-by-case basis based on your needs.

So if you or someone you know is in need of a small website (I can host it as well), graphic design work, or copywriting, use the contact tab on the left side of this website to contact me.

I promise not to spill chocolate shake on your website.

[P.S. I am still looking for a full-time job in the DFW area, but plan to continue freelance work when a new gig is obtained... as long as the new gig is OK with it.]